my understanding
is that we all bring thoughts
to the table
understanding
all is open for discussion
and dispute; my understanding
is that
we who come together
in unison will taste
of bread covered in buttered garlic – will bond, will boldly move
through, past the falling
of Rome, past the division of Versailles
taste the reds
of distinct naming as one new
vintage, full-bodied
and paired with my
copyrighted 2011
Wings over waters said:
I loved the simplicity of this poem ..just lovely to me. I don’t know nearly enough to critique, but I enjoyed reading it, thank you!
Beth Winter said:
The last two stanzas of this poem are wonderful, nearly a poem in its own right. I find myself wanted buttered garlic and red. They are your poem. The first two stanzas, in my opinion, are not really necessary. The thought behind them is common knowledge, we all have our own thoughts and opinions. They don’t enhance the poem.
What does enhance the poem is your skillful use of taste as a metaphor beginning at the third stanza. I believe you could lop off the first two stanzas and have a fantastic poem.
My crit is only suggestion. Please take what you want and toss the rest if you choose. If you rewrite and want me to take another look, please let me know.
I hope I was able to help. Thanks for the opportunity and for listening.
Beth
signed .............bkm said:
Thanks Beth I sure appreciate your take on the write…I like the later stanzas too…the first two are simply the thoughts in my head that lead on….I will rethink the piece…bkm
brian said:
bk, i got nothing for you…the crit masters will be here soon enough to point something out i am sure…i am just appreciating…
hedgewitch said:
I’m not a crit person, but while your initial stanzas are not earthshaking, the idea of bringing thoughts to the table seems like a lead in to the bread and garlic meal. I don’t know that throwing them away completely makes things significantly better–perhaps they could be condensed and tweaked a bit. As a poem, it worked well for me, and I got pleasure from its orderliness and gradually increasing focus. As I say–I know nothing about crit so just my thoughts.
Luke Prater said:
Interesting non-linear feel to this Narrative, Barbara. Terse, cogent, fractured, even in places, giving snatches of poetry and BKM cosmology. This section is particularly interesting –
of bread covered in buttered garlic – will bond, will boldly move
through, past the falling
of Rome, past the division of Versailles
>proper nouns, love ’em: bring interest and specificity
taste the reds > red wine, but great play on the Left/Socialism here
Your use of italics is also interesting and intriguing. Nothing boring here, though I have to agree with Beth that the first two stanzas add nothing, and in fact by chopping them (or rewriting), more focus will be drawn to the meat of the piece and there will be more punch in brevity.
SallyJ said:
reading these crits has really helped me ‘see’ this poem clearly. I agree that the first thoughts may not be as strong as the last, but did like the ‘bringing to the table’ lead. Perhaps one stanza from the two…
The only trip up point for me was
‘will boldly move
through..’
I took a tangent through”boldly go’ and all its connotations of ancient sci-fi tv…was that relevant? Have I missed something of significance here? If so I apologise for bringing it up.
Dhyan said:
been long time,
I am glad to return and hope to make that a habit again